Dear Baby: I Want A Raise

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Let’s face it, as the parent of a baby, there’s this assumption that you call all the shots–but who’s the real boss of the house? Someone who drools all over the carpet, poops their pants regularly, and gets a standing ovation for rolling over. So this letter is to the less-than-reasonable, but more-than-adorable head honchos out there, with the hope that maybe we can talk some sense into them!


Dear Child/Manager,
Lately, I have noticed a lot of unfair treatment of my co-worker Daddy and I in this establishment of “Our House”. Impossible demands have been made of us with little to no notice, and we have been on the receiving end of some very unprofessional behavior from you.
Since we can’t quit, we are making an appeal to you to help us improve our workplace environment and everyone’s morale in this unit called “Family”.

So without further ado, please review my list of suggestions a) through e), which I think you will find more than reasonable:

a) Shorter Hours
The hours you have us working in this position are virtually unheard of in other careers.
It’s a lot to ask of an employee to work every hour, shift, and day of the year with no vacation. The exhaustion from these insane hours is causing us to make mistakes. Just recently, Mommy called Daddy a q-tip and laughed in his face, because she hadn’t had more than a few hours of sleep in two days.
She also had to call Poison Control because she accidentally drank hydrogen peroxide. (We will send you the bill for this phone call shortly).
Had there been any physical complications from this incident, she would have filed a lawsuit.
Please consider revising our schedules.
Our suggestion would be a starting time of 7:00 A.M. and shift end of 7:00 P.M., allowing for a one-hour uninterrupted lunch at 12 o’clock noon. Kindly allow for regular bathroom breaks as well, we are fed up with being screamed at while we poop.

b) Better Pay
We can’t help but notice the complete absence of a salary since we first took this job. On the basis that employees are paid in other occupations, we assumed there would be payment eventually–and you were just going to combine it with the Christmas bonus you are no doubt planning on giving us for our mostly outstanding performance thus far.
But there has been no mention of it.
We will accept compensation of no less than $112,962, which is the standard yearly salary for all of the jobs performed in the position of “Mom”(or Dad). If you need more time to gather the requested amount, we will accept grins and giggles in the meantime.

c) No Discrimination
Mommy has observed multiple accounts of unacceptable workplace discrimination.
You have shown a distinct preference for Daddy over Mommy on several occasions, particularly in the awarding of aforementioned grins and giggles to employees. We demand fair treatment.
You will be receiving a phone call from our lawyer, Grandma.

d) No More Harassment
Since we started in this profession, you have exhibited abusive, tyrannical behavior toward your staff.
You are unclear in your instructions, leaving us to guess at what you want while you shriek at us relentlessly until you get it. You expect all tasks to be completed at inhuman speeds, such as the placing of a bottle in your mouth before we’ve had time to prepare your food, or the immediate removal of your squirmy self from the crib upon waking.
Our eardrums are under constant assault from your piercing shrieks, which sometimes occur with no cause or reasoning behind them.
Our arms and stomachs are mercilessly battered by your tiny, powerful kicks and punches.
Our noses are continually met with noxious fumes from your underpants. (This is undoubtedly a safety violation which should be reported.)

e) Lighter workload
When we aren’t driven to exhaustion trying to keep you alive while you continually attempt to sabotage yourself with any object in reach, we are trying to meet your ceaseless needs at all hours of the day and night. Any other position allows at least occasional days off, but we’re not allowed to stop. Ever.
All appeals we have made so far to reduce our inhumane workload have been met with wailing or completely ignored, while you give your full attention to the toes in your mouth. We are beginning to think you enjoy placing impossible demands on us.

Despite the fact that this is arguably the most challenging and least appreciated position on the planet, we do enjoy working with you and are looking forward to our continued employment here. Thank you for your time.

Regards,
Your Mommy and Daddy

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HEY, don’t put that pen in your mou–*sigh*.


Image © Veranuem

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