7 Ways Newborns Are Awesome

Every now and again, I write up something for a mom blog outside my own. This is one of those posts…

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Whenever someone asked me how I was “enjoying motherhood” during my first few weeks of it, I honestly didn’t know if I should spout cliches about magical mommyhood bonding or just spill the no-so-pretty truth. Which meant, asking them this:
Do you enjoy waking every 2 hours to screams and being pooped, vomited and yanked on at 3 AM while the most sensitive parts of your body are recovering from the most extreme trauma they’ve ever experienced (or a major surgery)? No?
Well then why would you expect me to?
That being said…beside the obvious cuteness of your new offspring, the newborn stage comes with some awesome perks that almost make up for the zombiefication that is the first 3 months post-partum. For example:

1. Newborns can sleep anywhere, any time.
Yes, sleep comes in unfairly tiny chunks, but the average newborn sleeps a lot, and some can sleep anywhere. For instance, I could have held a heavy metal concert in my living room when my daughter was tiny and she would have snoozed right through it. Now she could wake up at the sound of a gnat sneezing in the backyard, and basically pitches a 5-alarm fit if she has to sleep any place but home. If your tot can pass out in your arms during a WWE match, enjoy that. It doesn’t always last.

2. They’re easily entertained.
You can hand a 3-month old any random object in reach, and because they’ve never held it before, it’s the most fascinating thing on earth to them. All you have to do is be uber-enthusiastic, say something like “You thought spoon was cool? Wait til you see…washcloth!!!”, and that will keep them entertained for at least a solid 8 minutes.
But eventually they will develop more advanced reasoning skills, you will run out of different voices to read books in, and the toys will become so complex and covered in light-up buttons that your kid will need to read a manual before playing with them.

3. No teeth.
Most babies are born toothless. Which is awesome because that newly breastfeeding break-in-period is hard enough without tiny incisors chomping down on raw nipples. Also, teething BITES (literally).

4. They can’t wreck your house.
House-cleaning is going to fall pretty far below “keeping a tiny human alive” on the priority list. And it won’t matter–your lil’ angel can’t run through the house smearing poo on the walls, or throw an entire plate of spaghetti on the carpet yet. This may be the only time in the next 18 years that you will have a child in the house AND all of your glassware intact.

5. They’re lightweight.
Although there are exceptions, an average newborn will generally weigh less than an average bowling ball. I could carry mine around easily and securely with one arm. But once your bundle of joy approaches the 16-lb mark, your arms won’t recover for a good 5 years. Want to pump up those “guns”? Try this new workout called “carrying a squirming child”.

6. Everyone wants to hold them.
Baby-crazy relatives/friends are gold. If you happen to see one at a gathering, they’ll pretty much be unable to resist the temptation of holding your kid. Then you can go hide in a closet for a good 30 minutes so they can’t find you and give your baby back (just kidding…or am I?). Good luck doing that with a tantrumming toddler. I doubt anyone will be begging to hold 30 lbs of screaming, flailing fury.

7. They can’t escape confinement.
Apparently, toddlers are capable of doing backflips out of their cribs (at least I did, according to my horrified mother). This is obviously not a problem with a little person who can’t even hold their head up yet. And you can set a newborn in their crib while you pee for a precious couple of minutes, without coming back to a disaster that took 3 seconds to create and will take 3 hours to clean.

Ironically, because of sleep deprivation and temporary mind loss and all, I only realized all of this in hindsight. It may feel like the longest few months of your life, but the newborn stage really is a tiny chunk of your whole life together–and the next stages have their own challenges (and joys!). So while you’re waiting to get through this, new mama, take heart that it won’t last forever. And enjoy not having to worry about securing every cord in the house, finding socks in the toilet, and fits involving carrots while you can!


Image by mantasmagorical on Morguefile.com

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Dear Baby: I Want A Raise

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Let’s face it, as the parent of a baby, there’s this assumption that you call all the shots–but who’s the real boss of the house? Someone who drools all over the carpet, poops their pants regularly, and gets a standing ovation for rolling over. So this letter is to the less-than-reasonable, but more-than-adorable head honchos out there, with the hope that maybe we can talk some sense into them!


Dear Child/Manager,
Lately, I have noticed a lot of unfair treatment of my co-worker Daddy and I in this establishment of “Our House”. Impossible demands have been made of us with little to no notice, and we have been on the receiving end of some very unprofessional behavior from you.
Since we can’t quit, we are making an appeal to you to help us improve our workplace environment and everyone’s morale in this unit called “Family”.

So without further ado, please review my list of suggestions a) through e), which I think you will find more than reasonable:

a) Shorter Hours
The hours you have us working in this position are virtually unheard of in other careers.
It’s a lot to ask of an employee to work every hour, shift, and day of the year with no vacation. The exhaustion from these insane hours is causing us to make mistakes. Just recently, Mommy called Daddy a q-tip and laughed in his face, because she hadn’t had more than a few hours of sleep in two days.
She also had to call Poison Control because she accidentally drank hydrogen peroxide. (We will send you the bill for this phone call shortly).
Had there been any physical complications from this incident, she would have filed a lawsuit.
Please consider revising our schedules.
Our suggestion would be a starting time of 7:00 A.M. and shift end of 7:00 P.M., allowing for a one-hour uninterrupted lunch at 12 o’clock noon. Kindly allow for regular bathroom breaks as well, we are fed up with being screamed at while we poop.

b) Better Pay
We can’t help but notice the complete absence of a salary since we first took this job. On the basis that employees are paid in other occupations, we assumed there would be payment eventually–and you were just going to combine it with the Christmas bonus you are no doubt planning on giving us for our mostly outstanding performance thus far.
But there has been no mention of it.
We will accept compensation of no less than $112,962, which is the standard yearly salary for all of the jobs performed in the position of “Mom”(or Dad). If you need more time to gather the requested amount, we will accept grins and giggles in the meantime.

c) No Discrimination
Mommy has observed multiple accounts of unacceptable workplace discrimination.
You have shown a distinct preference for Daddy over Mommy on several occasions, particularly in the awarding of aforementioned grins and giggles to employees. We demand fair treatment.
You will be receiving a phone call from our lawyer, Grandma.

d) No More Harassment
Since we started in this profession, you have exhibited abusive, tyrannical behavior toward your staff.
You are unclear in your instructions, leaving us to guess at what you want while you shriek at us relentlessly until you get it. You expect all tasks to be completed at inhuman speeds, such as the placing of a bottle in your mouth before we’ve had time to prepare your food, or the immediate removal of your squirmy self from the crib upon waking.
Our eardrums are under constant assault from your piercing shrieks, which sometimes occur with no cause or reasoning behind them.
Our arms and stomachs are mercilessly battered by your tiny, powerful kicks and punches.
Our noses are continually met with noxious fumes from your underpants. (This is undoubtedly a safety violation which should be reported.)

e) Lighter workload
When we aren’t driven to exhaustion trying to keep you alive while you continually attempt to sabotage yourself with any object in reach, we are trying to meet your ceaseless needs at all hours of the day and night. Any other position allows at least occasional days off, but we’re not allowed to stop. Ever.
All appeals we have made so far to reduce our inhumane workload have been met with wailing or completely ignored, while you give your full attention to the toes in your mouth. We are beginning to think you enjoy placing impossible demands on us.

Despite the fact that this is arguably the most challenging and least appreciated position on the planet, we do enjoy working with you and are looking forward to our continued employment here. Thank you for your time.

Regards,
Your Mommy and Daddy

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HEY, don’t put that pen in your mou–*sigh*.


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